the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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