Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
