i just wanna soil my oats bro
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
