Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
