apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
