In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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