my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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