Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
