Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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