She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Randomize
