i would punch a child for taco bell
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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