I didn't shave. On purpose
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
