You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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