So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
