Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
