I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
she told me i tasted like america
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
