I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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