Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize