we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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