My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
