my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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