When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
