I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
