she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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