everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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