I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
We are all done wearing pants today
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
