Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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