So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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