Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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