I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
