I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize