I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
i've created a new STD.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
