Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I faked an abortion last night.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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