just tell him i said nine months
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
