My hair reeks of homosexuality.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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