low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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