Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
No subtext here. People are naked.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Randomize
