im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
