Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
