I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize