He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
