wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
