id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
