good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
