I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
