I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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