Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
