Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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