Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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