Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Hippo gnu deer
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize