My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
