Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
