Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
