That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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