I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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