Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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