just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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