i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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