community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
