I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
