Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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