Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
