I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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