Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
